The rut of the driven, the down down roller coaster …

I am sat here with flimsy fingers, putting words next to each other and deleting them. Shamefully picked on my nail skin yet another time, refilled my tenth cup of tea while glancing at that last cookie in the box thinking of how much of that is turning into fat to jump again into the thought of how sedentary I’ve been this month and how It’s been long since I’ve workout out and how I am putting on weight and how my mouth is running towards my ambition and I am doing nothing and how I need to be focused yet I am so lost while I am letting a ltt of opportunities pass by … Then, I become aware of my thoughts and start panicking about how much I am overthinking is making my cortisol levels spike through the roof and thinking why the hell am I doing this to my self.

And it’s all exhausting.  I am exausted ! There’s too much pressure, rhat only I have been putting on myself. When people have been asking me how have you been, I just respond, exhaused from doing nothing.

Pathetic, right? Well, if the word society decided to put on it, then, yes, lately I’ve been pathetic and I am slightly ashamed. Yet, I believe we’ve all been through this at times. I know I have in the past. It’s just that we all live it differently.

To be honest with you, I don’t even know what I want to write about. Or if I will have my usual guts to put this out for everybody to read, is it even something people want to read about ?

I have been torn between the disappointment of not being able to enjoy and be grateful for what I have and the disappointment of having ambitious goals and lately doing nothing about it. I have been stuck in this endless loop of being down and being down for being down and asking why is this happening inside my brain ? Our brains are hardwired to avoid uncertainty and ambiguity and so mine always attempts to pick up the silliest of reasons to justify my miserable state. First world problems of  a healthy human with a roof under her head, a loving family, loving friend, decent job and food on the table who cannot be grateful. But, Should that be enough ? Isn’t striving for more is what makes us grow and do more ?

The idea of “successful” people are those who master holding opposites in their lives has never stroke me like it did lately. Rewinding the past times where I believe I was in a good place in my life, I did balance opposites quite well. However, the energy, stamina, and reluctance that requires is unreal. One little bump and hard it falls. It is exactly like standing on very thin cable, with arms holding two heavy boxes up in the air ,walking one foot in front of the other trying slip off.

Being grateful and driven, selfless and selfish, all in and all out, perfectionist and realistic, fast and slow and list goes on and on. Falling often holding these two heavy opposit standards and balancing them out by using each one when exactly needed all the time is just unhuman and can never happen. Therefore, it’s be okay to not be okay and it’s okay to fall. You just dust yourself off, back up and hold those boxes again (cheesy, i know, but true).

I am giving myself my own advice; that of life being a rollarcoaster. One day you’re over the top and the other you’re getting downward spiral. All you have to do is learn how to navigate through it enjoy it.

Blogging about this makes me realize how this is all silly and benign. Yet I always go by the convinction of whatever feeling that goes through you, no matter how silly you keep saying it is, is an indicator of something greater. These feelings of being down and anxious were that wake up call that I need to make changes, or observe the changes that have happened lately that had an impact of my wellbeing. I have never more time of social media and my phone lately, waking up and widing down while scrolling through my phone. Not eating well, lack of movement and that of gratefulness practice are changes I admit happened lately that have once before been surrogated by their opposite habits and contributed to my wellbeing.

I might not make sence, I might carry some knowledge but not wisdom, I might not know things at times, I might be wrong at times. I might have lost my drive and might have been too driven that I forgot about my present life. But one thing I know for sure, I am only a human after all.

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